LETTERS FROM DUO
(Sidefic series
for the Death and the Dragon Arc)
By: Mel and
Christy
Warnings: Humour
----------------------
Quatre
giggled as he read Duo's email to Treize over the braided pilot's shoulder. "I
can't believe you're doing this, Duo."
"Why not, Q-bean? It's not like he
can find us through the email or anything. God couldn't find us that way. HEERO
couldn't find us. Besides, they're all legitimate charges, even the seat, though
we could have gotten a cheaper one, I suppose. Treize should just be glad I'm
not charging him for my pain and suffering, or your suffering with
me."
Duo grinned at the blond and continued
typing.
----------
FROM: GOD-OF-DEATH@UNDERWORLD.COM
SENT:
19:41 March 12, 197AC
< NO FURTHER MESSAGE DATA>
---message
begins---
Treize-man, that was really cold. You sent seventy
suits against me. I may be the God of Death, but even *I* have my limits. Do you
know how much damage they did to me and poor 'Scythe? Well, not so much to me,
but 'Scythe is not very happy with you right now. And an unhappy 'Scythe is a
BAD thing. Anyway, I am including an itemised bill for BOTH of our
repairs.
1 bottle massage oil - 15 Cr
3 sutures @ 5 Cr
each - 15 Cr
1 roll rib tape - 10 Cr
1 bottle pain killers - 8
Cr
1 bottle bath oil - 20 Cr
20 suit joint bolts (Gundanium) @ 10
Cr each - 200 Cr
20 suit joint nuts (Gundanium) @ 8 Cr each - 160
Cr
Various wiring - 75 Cr
1 external speaker subwoofer - 120
Cr
1 infrared sensor chip - 212 Cr
2 fuel cells (titanium) @ 1012
Cr each - 2024 Cr
8 various valves - 73 Cr
5 power conductors @ 23
Cr each - 115 Cr
14 cans graphite lube oil @ 21 Cr each - 254 Cr
1
paint patch job - 743 Cr
18 hours mechanic's labour @ 100 Cr/ hour - 1800
Cr
1/2 padded toilet seat @ 1/ 230 Cr - 115 Cr
1 audio cd
(Vivaldi- The Four Seasons) - 20 Cr
Total - 5979
Cr
________________
There... I even gave you a significant
discount on the mechanic's fee. And don't laugh about the toilet seat! I pulled
my hip muscles and bruised my left butt cheek in that fight! It's a cool seat,
too.
Anyway, don't worry about how you'll get the money to me. It's all
taken care of. I already hacked it out of your personal account. Payment on
delivery and all that jazz. Thank you for your business with Shinigami's Repair
Service.
D. Maxwell, Proprietor
---message
ends---
----------
FROM: Kushrenada.T@OZ.org
TO:
GOD-OF-DEATH@Underworld.com
SENT: 08:23 March 13, 197AC
SUBJECT: Your
bill
---message begins---
Mr. Maxwell,
Yes, I know you have
limits. I was hoping to find them. I am, after all, trying to win.
I feel
I should dispute some of the items in your bill. It is debatable whether I can
be held liable for any of the damage you complain of, since it resulted from an
act of war, but since you have indeed already debited my account it seems futile
to attempt to withhold payment. I draw the line, however, at paying for items my
soldiers did *not* destroy.
To begin with, the speaker subwoofer. I have
in my possession sensor data which indicates that the damage to this component
was not caused by the battle itself, but was instead the result of you playing
'Don't Fear the Reaper' at several hundred decibels over its maximum rated
volume. It blew four seconds before the first Leo managed to land a shot. I
believe it is reasonable to assume that at least one of the power conductors
went with it, since the disintegration of your external speaker was rather
spectacular.
Likewise, graphite lubricant is a consumable item that must
be changed regularly, and topped up after any period of strenuous activity in a
mobile suit. Extrapolating from Tallgeese's lubrication requirements and taking
into account the slight difference in size between it and Deathscythe, I believe
ten of those cans would have been required as part of your normal servicing
routine.
I note that you charged me only half the cost of the padded
toilet seat. Thank you for your restraint.
Finally, the Vivaldi CD. While
I applaud your music choice in this case, I can think of no possible reason why
you would charge me for this item, unless you purchased it as a 'stress relief'
aid for your recuperation. If I am responsible for your 'stress relief', I
believe it would be fair to charge you the several thousand credits that OZ has
outlaid for counselling and psychiatric treatment of the surviving mobile suit
pilots. Accordingly, I expect reimbursement of the following
sums:
Speaker subwoofer, 1: 120 Cr
Power conductor, 1: 23
Cr
Graphite lubricant, 10 cans @ 21 Cr ea: 210 Cr
Counselling fees, 29
hours @ 250 Cr/hr: 7,250 Cr
Psychiatrist fees, 13 hours @ 375 Cr/hr: 4,875
Cr
Total: 12,478 Cr.
Alternatively, if I am not expected to pay
for your stress relief CD, the counselling and psychiatric fees could be
overlooked, which would reduce the amount to be reimbursed to only 373
Cr.
I await your response with interest.
- Treize
Kushrenada.
---message ends---
* * * * *
Duo
grinned widely at Quatre as the blond brought him breakfast in bed. "You've got
to see this, Q. Treize is a riot. Ya know, it's too bad we're on opposite sides
and all that. I think I could probably like the guy, if not for the damned war
and his part in it."
"What? He replied?" Quatre quickly walked to the
bed, put the tray on the nightstand and settled down next to Duo, reading the
email quickly. "Oh, Allah! He did... and who knew he had a sense of humour. What
are you going to do?" he managed to get out, between giggles.
"Well, he
does have a point... I suppose I should reimburse him for those things.
It would be the right thing to do."
Downstairs, returning from his latest
mission, Trowa smiled at the sound of the cheerful
laughter.