March 12, 197 AC



(Sidefic series for the Death and the Dragon Arc)

By: Mel and Christy
Warnings: Humour


Quatre giggled as he read Duo's email to Treize over the braided pilot's shoulder. "I can't believe you're doing this, Duo."

"Why not, Q-bean? It's not like he can find us through the email or anything. God couldn't find us that way. HEERO couldn't find us. Besides, they're all legitimate charges, even the seat, though we could have gotten a cheaper one, I suppose. Treize should just be glad I'm not charging him for my pain and suffering, or your suffering with me."

Duo grinned at the blond and continued typing.


SENT: 19:41 March 12, 197AC

---message begins---

Treize-man, that was really cold. You sent seventy suits against me. I may be the God of Death, but even *I* have my limits. Do you know how much damage they did to me and poor 'Scythe? Well, not so much to me, but 'Scythe is not very happy with you right now. And an unhappy 'Scythe is a BAD thing. Anyway, I am including an itemised bill for BOTH of our repairs.

1 bottle massage oil - 15 Cr

3 sutures @ 5 Cr each - 15 Cr

1 roll rib tape - 10 Cr

1 bottle pain killers - 8 Cr

1 bottle bath oil - 20 Cr

20 suit joint bolts (Gundanium) @ 10 Cr each - 200 Cr

20 suit joint nuts (Gundanium) @ 8 Cr each - 160 Cr

Various wiring - 75 Cr

1 external speaker subwoofer - 120 Cr

1 infrared sensor chip - 212 Cr

2 fuel cells (titanium) @ 1012 Cr each - 2024 Cr

8 various valves - 73 Cr

5 power conductors @ 23 Cr each - 115 Cr

14 cans graphite lube oil @ 21 Cr each - 254 Cr

1 paint patch job - 743 Cr

18 hours mechanic's labour @ 100 Cr/ hour - 1800 Cr

1/2 padded toilet seat @ 1/ 230 Cr - 115 Cr

1 audio cd (Vivaldi- The Four Seasons) - 20 Cr

Total - 5979 Cr

There... I even gave you a significant discount on the mechanic's fee. And don't laugh about the toilet seat! I pulled my hip muscles and bruised my left butt cheek in that fight! It's a cool seat, too.

Anyway, don't worry about how you'll get the money to me. It's all taken care of. I already hacked it out of your personal account. Payment on delivery and all that jazz. Thank you for your business with Shinigami's Repair Service.

D. Maxwell, Proprietor

---message ends---


SENT: 08:23 March 13, 197AC
SUBJECT: Your bill

---message begins---

Mr. Maxwell,

Yes, I know you have limits. I was hoping to find them. I am, after all, trying to win.

I feel I should dispute some of the items in your bill. It is debatable whether I can be held liable for any of the damage you complain of, since it resulted from an act of war, but since you have indeed already debited my account it seems futile to attempt to withhold payment. I draw the line, however, at paying for items my soldiers did *not* destroy.

To begin with, the speaker subwoofer. I have in my possession sensor data which indicates that the damage to this component was not caused by the battle itself, but was instead the result of you playing 'Don't Fear the Reaper' at several hundred decibels over its maximum rated volume. It blew four seconds before the first Leo managed to land a shot. I believe it is reasonable to assume that at least one of the power conductors went with it, since the disintegration of your external speaker was rather spectacular.

Likewise, graphite lubricant is a consumable item that must be changed regularly, and topped up after any period of strenuous activity in a mobile suit. Extrapolating from Tallgeese's lubrication requirements and taking into account the slight difference in size between it and Deathscythe, I believe ten of those cans would have been required as part of your normal servicing routine.

I note that you charged me only half the cost of the padded toilet seat. Thank you for your restraint.

Finally, the Vivaldi CD. While I applaud your music choice in this case, I can think of no possible reason why you would charge me for this item, unless you purchased it as a 'stress relief' aid for your recuperation. If I am responsible for your 'stress relief', I believe it would be fair to charge you the several thousand credits that OZ has outlaid for counselling and psychiatric treatment of the surviving mobile suit pilots. Accordingly, I expect reimbursement of the following sums:

Speaker subwoofer, 1: 120 Cr
Power conductor, 1: 23 Cr
Graphite lubricant, 10 cans @ 21 Cr ea: 210 Cr
Counselling fees, 29 hours @ 250 Cr/hr: 7,250 Cr
Psychiatrist fees, 13 hours @ 375 Cr/hr: 4,875 Cr

Total: 12,478 Cr.

Alternatively, if I am not expected to pay for your stress relief CD, the counselling and psychiatric fees could be overlooked, which would reduce the amount to be reimbursed to only 373 Cr.

I await your response with interest.

- Treize Kushrenada.

---message ends---

* * * * *

Duo grinned widely at Quatre as the blond brought him breakfast in bed. "You've got to see this, Q. Treize is a riot. Ya know, it's too bad we're on opposite sides and all that. I think I could probably like the guy, if not for the damned war and his part in it."

"What? He replied?" Quatre quickly walked to the bed, put the tray on the nightstand and settled down next to Duo, reading the email quickly. "Oh, Allah! He did... and who knew he had a sense of humour. What are you going to do?" he managed to get out, between giggles.

"Well, he does have a point... I suppose I should reimburse him for those things. It would be the right thing to do."

Downstairs, returning from his latest mission, Trowa smiled at the sound of the cheerful laughter.


















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