LETTERS FROM DUO
for the Death and the Dragon Arc)
By: Mel and
Duo paced back and
forth, wracking his brain to come up with the proper revenge for Quatre's little
indiscretion regarding some spy camera footage of Duo in drag. "He beat me at my
own game... I asked him not to tell the guys about it, and he didn't. He
just left the pictures lying in convenient places," the braided pilot muttered
to the empty bedroom. "Convenient places for the guys to find them. Not that I
didn't look damn hot done up like that, but that's not the point. Trowa was
snickering for two days, and I thought Heero-the-Rock was going to
hyperventilate, he was laughing so hard. Heero laughing..." Duo shuddered
slightly. "Scary, very scary."
Pausing in front of his laptop, Duo
glanced at the latest email from Quatre, requesting advice about the workings of
sex. He was really happy for the blond. Quatre and Trowa were definitely an
item, and it seemed they were ready to move on to more... intimate relations. "I
knew a romantic South Pacific vacation would do the trick," Duo snickered, then
re-read the last line from Quatre.
'P.S. Don't tell Trowa I asked about
this stuff. Just give me the advice and I'll go from there.'
smirk appeared on Duo's face. "Hmmm... I'll do what he asked, no problem. I
won't tell Trowa anything about it. And maybe I'll get a rise out of the
unflappable Rashid." Hitting 'New Message', Duo could have sworn he heard Father
Maxwell's voice, in that gently chiding tone he'd always used when he found Duo
'Sophistry, Duo. That is sheer
SENT: 10:18 April 20,
SUBJECT: Arrrrrggghhh! Rashid help!
You obviously haven't been doing your job, here, as
Quatre's 'guardian'. Do you know what your sweet, innocent, darling, angel
Master Quatre just emailed to ask me?! He asked me about SEX! He wants to know
the whys, hows, wherefores... the whole damn kit and kaboodle! Am I supposed to
be the Gundam Pilot Sex Helpline?! Am I the writer of a sex-help column?! Look
So how is it supposed to work? Does it hurt? How do you know
I won't go on with his questions, they got worse.
What am I
supposed to tell him? 'Make sure you have plenty of lube'? 'Don't rush, take
your time'? 'Yes, it sometimes hurts a little bit but it's more like a sting and
once you're used to it you hardly notice because the pleasure outweighs any
slight discomfort'? 'Blowjobs rock!'? I think I'm going to join a
Rashid, man, help me out here! You're the adult! I'm just an
innocent 16-ish year old kid! Okay, so maybe innocent isn't the right word, but
I can't do this! You need to sit him down and clearly explain the birds and the
bees... er, birds and birds or something!
And why would he ask me? I
mean, it's Trowa he's with, he should be asking Tro these things! Why me? Was I
so bad in a previous life that God needs to humiliate me like this?! You do
know, now all the various gods, whatever anyone believes in, the fates... all of
them are laughing their asses off at me! Shinigami, take me now! Save me from
Dammit Rashid... you explain it to
Duo, who won't ever be able to show his face
* * * *
"Are you all right?! Rashid! HEY!"
what are you yelling for?" Abdul asked, looking up from his computer across the
room with an irritated expression.
"Look at him!" Auda insisted, pointing
dramatically at Rashid. The huge man was sitting at his computer, staring
blankly at the screen.
"...I see what you mean. What's the matter with
"If I knew, I wouldn't be yelling at him," Auda muttered. "I know
he was reading his e-mail; maybe that's what-"
Rashid stabbed one finger
at his keyboard, closing the message window before Auda could lean over his
shoulder and look at it.
"Looks like that is what caused it,"
Abdul grinned, "and it's private."
"Yes," Rashid rumbled quietly. "Both
of you, out. I need to answer this, and I can't do it with you looking over my
Auda managed to look unjustly wounded. "Would I do something
"Hm. You know me too
SENT: 10:57 April 20, 196AC
Arrrrrggghhh! Rashid help!
Why are you asking *me*?!? I can't advise Master Quatre! I don't
know anything about this sort of thing! You once called me 'the unbendable
object', and I know perfectly well you weren't talking about the fact that I'm
From the possible answers to his questions that you listed, I'd
say you can handle this yourself. (By the way, that was FAR more information
than I ever wanted to get, thank you.) I think you should be honoured that
Master Quatre trusts you to advise him in this matter. And of course he can't
ask Master Trowa! I didn't ask my first girlfriend what I should be doing, and
she certainly didn't ask me! Master Quatre regards you as one of his best
friends, and the only person he can discuss absolutely anything with. He'd be
horribly embarrassed if he knew you'd told me about this -which is probably
exactly what you intended; I don't know what he's done to you but it must have
been impressive. (Being on the receiving end isn't nearly as much fun, is
You're on your own. I'm sure you'll do fine. You'd better.
P.S. If I hear that you've disappeared, I'll advise Master Heero
to look in monasteries for you. He'll find you. You are NOT getting out of