April 20, 196 AC




(Sidefic series for the Death and the Dragon Arc)

By: Mel and Christy
Warnings: Humour?


Duo paced back and forth, wracking his brain to come up with the proper revenge for Quatre's little indiscretion regarding some spy camera footage of Duo in drag. "He beat me at my own game... I asked him not to tell the guys about it, and he didn't. He just left the pictures lying in convenient places," the braided pilot muttered to the empty bedroom. "Convenient places for the guys to find them. Not that I didn't look damn hot done up like that, but that's not the point. Trowa was snickering for two days, and I thought Heero-the-Rock was going to hyperventilate, he was laughing so hard. Heero laughing..." Duo shuddered slightly. "Scary, very scary."

Pausing in front of his laptop, Duo glanced at the latest email from Quatre, requesting advice about the workings of sex. He was really happy for the blond. Quatre and Trowa were definitely an item, and it seemed they were ready to move on to more... intimate relations. "I knew a romantic South Pacific vacation would do the trick," Duo snickered, then re-read the last line from Quatre.

'P.S. Don't tell Trowa I asked about this stuff. Just give me the advice and I'll go from there.'

An evil smirk appeared on Duo's face. "Hmmm... I'll do what he asked, no problem. I won't tell Trowa anything about it. And maybe I'll get a rise out of the unflappable Rashid." Hitting 'New Message', Duo could have sworn he heard Father Maxwell's voice, in that gently chiding tone he'd always used when he found Duo misbehaving slightly.

'Sophistry, Duo. That is sheer sophistry...'


FROM: Duodin@Lamps_R_Us.net
TO: Rashid-ababa@40Thieves.com
SENT: 10:18 April 20, 196AC
SUBJECT: Arrrrrggghhh! Rashid help!

---message begins---

You obviously haven't been doing your job, here, as Quatre's 'guardian'. Do you know what your sweet, innocent, darling, angel Master Quatre just emailed to ask me?! He asked me about SEX! He wants to know the whys, hows, wherefores... the whole damn kit and kaboodle! Am I supposed to be the Gundam Pilot Sex Helpline?! Am I the writer of a sex-help column?! Look at this:

So how is it supposed to work? Does it hurt? How do you know when?

I won't go on with his questions, they got worse.

What am I supposed to tell him? 'Make sure you have plenty of lube'? 'Don't rush, take your time'? 'Yes, it sometimes hurts a little bit but it's more like a sting and once you're used to it you hardly notice because the pleasure outweighs any slight discomfort'? 'Blowjobs rock!'? I think I'm going to join a monastery.

Rashid, man, help me out here! You're the adult! I'm just an innocent 16-ish year old kid! Okay, so maybe innocent isn't the right word, but I can't do this! You need to sit him down and clearly explain the birds and the bees... er, birds and birds or something!

And why would he ask me? I mean, it's Trowa he's with, he should be asking Tro these things! Why me? Was I so bad in a previous life that God needs to humiliate me like this?! You do know, now all the various gods, whatever anyone believes in, the fates... all of them are laughing their asses off at me! Shinigami, take me now! Save me from this humiliation!

Dammit Rashid... you explain it to him!

Duo, who won't ever be able to show his face again.

---message ends---


* * * * *



"Rashid? Sir?"


"Are you all right?! Rashid! HEY!"

"Auda, what are you yelling for?" Abdul asked, looking up from his computer across the room with an irritated expression.

"Look at him!" Auda insisted, pointing dramatically at Rashid. The huge man was sitting at his computer, staring blankly at the screen.

"...I see what you mean. What's the matter with him?"

"If I knew, I wouldn't be yelling at him," Auda muttered. "I know he was reading his e-mail; maybe that's what-"

Rashid stabbed one finger at his keyboard, closing the message window before Auda could lean over his shoulder and look at it.

"Looks like that is what caused it," Abdul grinned, "and it's private."

"Yes," Rashid rumbled quietly. "Both of you, out. I need to answer this, and I can't do it with you looking over my shoulder."

Auda managed to look unjustly wounded. "Would I do something like that?"


"Hm. You know me too well..."


FROM: Rashid-ababa@40Thieves.com
TO: Duodin@Lamps_R_Us.net
SENT: 10:57 April 20, 196AC
SUBJECT: Re: Arrrrrggghhh! Rashid help!

---message begins---

Master Duo,

Why are you asking *me*?!? I can't advise Master Quatre! I don't know anything about this sort of thing! You once called me 'the unbendable object', and I know perfectly well you weren't talking about the fact that I'm strong!

From the possible answers to his questions that you listed, I'd say you can handle this yourself. (By the way, that was FAR more information than I ever wanted to get, thank you.) I think you should be honoured that Master Quatre trusts you to advise him in this matter. And of course he can't ask Master Trowa! I didn't ask my first girlfriend what I should be doing, and she certainly didn't ask me! Master Quatre regards you as one of his best friends, and the only person he can discuss absolutely anything with. He'd be horribly embarrassed if he knew you'd told me about this -which is probably exactly what you intended; I don't know what he's done to you but it must have been impressive. (Being on the receiving end isn't nearly as much fun, is it?)

You're on your own. I'm sure you'll do fine. You'd better.

- Rashid

P.S. If I hear that you've disappeared, I'll advise Master Heero to look in monasteries for you. He'll find you. You are NOT getting out of this.

---message ends---



















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