FISH TALES 5 -- FISH FOOD FOR THOUGHT
Authors: Mel & Christy
Pairings: Not really applicable, unless you want the fish info :)
Disclaimer: Don't own GW or the guys... But the fish are all ours!
[Once again we're looking in on the fish room in the Cliffhanger Onnas' house, where more tanks burble and hum to themselves every day. Today, there's twelve (plus ten betta jars), and who knows how many there will be tomorrow? In any case, Trowa is sitting comfortably on the sofa, talking to a dainty little mottled-brown cat.]
TROWA: I don't think that would be a good idea, Cam.
CAM: **i wouldn't tell. they'd never know you did it.**
TROWA: They'd work it out.
CAM: **they wouldn't miss just one or two! pleeease?**
[She stretches out one elegant little paw and bats charmingly at his Unibang, doing the Giant Pale-Green Kitty Eyes of Doom at him. He doesn't look impressed.]
TROWA: That's what one of my lions said when he wanted me to let him out of his cage so he could snack on a couple of teenagers. No. I am not going to take the lid off a fish tank for you.
CAM: **you're no fun, and neither are mel and christy. they even named the stupid bird 'snack' and then didn't leave him out for me.**
[She turns away haughtily and draws herself up into a regal pose on the back of the sofa, staring intently at the Gundam Goldfish tank. Various of its inhabitants drift over to the glass and start doing something that could be the 'Feed Me' dance, or possibly one of the many other fishy dances that look exactly the same to anyone who isn't fish-obsessed. Trowa gets exactly five seconds of peace and quiet before Christy and Mel charge into the room, yanking final articles of clothing on as they run.]
CHRISTY: Tro-babe! Cool! Just the person I wanted to exploit-- errr, see! Do us a favour?
TROWA: *sigh* I suppose so. What is it this time?
CHRISTY: Could you feed the bettas and all of the baby fish? Please? I've gotta get to work, and Mel has an early doctor's appointment, so she's going in with me, and we were up late plotting the destruction of a universe or two so we slept in.
MEL: You weren't supposed to tell him that-- awk!
[Hopping on one foot to get her right shoe on, Mel miscalculates and falls over. Since this makes her position far more stable, however, she just shrugs and finishes tying her laces.]
CHRISTY: Anyway, forget that plotting-to-take-over-the-multiverse bit. Feed the fish? Please?
TROWA: No problem. Go.
CHRISTY: Cool thanks we love ya Tro-darling bye see ya later c'mon Mel!
[The door slams behind the onnas, rippling the water in the tanks, and Trowa heaves a sigh of relief. Well, not exactly heaves. It's a very understated sigh. For him, though, it's heaving.]
CAM: **i'll get you yet, you little black nummy treat!**
[On his way to get the baby fish food, Trowa glances back indulgently to where Cam is batting at the glass separating her from Deathscythe.]
TROWA: You know, you sound just like Spike sometimes--
DEATHSCYTHE: **nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah, you can't get me!**
[Trowa's one visible eye blinks.]
CAM: **just you wait. i'll only need one chance. you can't even swim fast, you freakish goggle-eyed thing, it'll improve the gene pool of your species.**
DEATHSCYTHE: **sticks and stones may break my bones, but you'll never eat me!**
TROWA (quietly): ...Big cats, no problem. Elephants, fine. I don't even mind understanding the little cats... but now I can hear fish? That's way too close to understanding something I might meet later on, served up for dinner. If this goes on, I'm going to have to become a vegan!
[Squeaky voices from behind Trowa interrupt this alarming train of thought.]
BABY GUPPIES: **food! feed us! food! yum! nice floppy fin feed us? hungry! eee! food!**
TROWA: ...'floppy fin'?
BABY GUPPIES: **food now! num num num! splishies! food!**
FEMALE GUPPY: **oh shut up, you bunch of fry delinquents! do you have to kick up a fuss every time it looks like you might get fed?!**
BABY GUPPIES: **not our mommie! pbthththththtt! go away!**
FEMALE GUPPY: **i would if i could! hmph... my fry were never as poorly behaved as you!**
BABY GUPPIES: **that's 'cause they got left in the same tank as you and you ate most of them! nyer!**
FEMALE GUPPY: **that was necessary discipline!**
[One of the slender algae-eating fish in the same tank as the adult guppy swims up and joins the 'discussion'.]
FLYING FOX: **eating every one who doesn't hide under the filter is discipline?**
FEMALE GUPPY: **it taught them to stay out of sight and out of mind, didn't it?**
TROWA: I think I'll just feed the babies and move away from this conversation.
[The results of him dropping crushed flakes into the baby tank are predictable.]
BABY GUPPIES: **eeeeee food food food food food food food eeeeee mine mine go 'way num num num food food food food food eeeeee!**
FEMALE GUPPY: **thank goodness. now maybe they'll shut up.**
BABY GUPPIES: **food food food food eeeeee food food num num eeeeee...**
BABY GUPPIES: **...*burrrrrrrrp*.**
FEMALE GUPPY: **you brats are disgusting.**
[After dropping tiny amounts of even more finely crushed food into the jars holding baby bettas (which, thankfully, don't seem to be saying anything), Trowa picks up the food for the adult bettas, moves back over towards the sofa, and pretends not to be listening. To anyone.]
SINATRA: **ew, not flakes again! i want live food!**
[Unfortunately, the grown bettas are being talkative.]
CAPTAIN JACK: **you always want live food.**
SINATRA: **so i have standards. sue me.**
TEAL'C: **yeah, the standards are why she doesn't want to mate with you, floofy boy!**
CAPTAIN JACK: **oi! you just wish you had fins like mine! mel bought me specifically because i have floofy fins-- er, i mean, elegant fins!**
TEAL'C: **big deal! she bought me because i'm a beautiful colour. that means she's gonna let me get with da gurrrrrrrls!**
SIOUXICIDE: **it better not be me! i've got my eye on that stud binky. come near me and i'll shred your tail!**
GIN & VODKA: **we'll take him!**
PERSEPHONE: **you two would take anything. especially you, vodka! don't think i didn't see you trying to flirt with me!**
VODKA: **oi! you looked like a guy at the time! your fins were all shredded and poofy, and-- i'll just stop now, shall i?**
PERSEPHONE: **good idea. really good idea.**
HADES: **hmph. don't see why you females all want to mate! this parenting thing is hard work!**
PERSEPHONE: **which you males have to do, ha! why would we care? we lay our eggs, we go back to our own jars, and you poor schmucks get stuck with looking after-- waitaminit. are you eating my eggs?!**
GIN: **then why do you look like you swallowed a marble?**
HADES: **i am not eating the eggs! see? i'm spitting them back into the nest!**
GIN: **what nest?! all the bubbles have popped! there's nothing there but the leaf you were building it under!**
HADES: **...um. well. that might explain why they're not staying there, yes, but I can't blow more bubbles to fix the nest until I manage to pick all these eggs up off the tank floor...**
PERSEPHONE: **ever consider making the bubbles first and then putting the eggs back? and you're fat!**
HADES: **..........i'm not eating them on purpose! it just keeps happening! i'm trying to look after them!**
SIOUXICIDE: **give him a break, guys. he hasn't been the same since last time he had a clutch to look after. the heater went on the fritz, and nearly boiled him.**
PERSEPHONE: **looks like it boiled his brains!**
VODKA: **well duh, you were in the same tank as him for two days and you never noticed? too busy checking out his fins to make conversation and find out something about his personality, huh?**
PERSEPHONE: **and who was too busy checking out my fins to make conversation and find out about my gender, huh?!**
TROWA (muttering): I could have lived without getting any of this information, but at least now I know why Mel and Christy keep calling some of these bettas 'the slut fish'...
TEAL'C: **mel and christy should give me a chance to mate. i can be a better father than him.**
PATCHWORK: **i think it's binky's turn next. mel got sinatra's jar and put it next to his, and she seemed awfully pleased when they liked each other.**
TEAL'C: **damn! when's it going to be our turn?**
PATCHWORK: **when they get around to us, i suppose. hey! binky! how do you think you'll do?**
BINKY: **don't bother me. nestbuilding.**
TEAL'C: **getting some practice for when they put you in the breeding tank?**
BINKY: **tank? what tank? i want to be ready when that babe swims back past! next time i'll get her to stay!**
PATCHWORK: **binky... she was in a jar. mel put her next to you and then took her away again. she didn't swim--**
BINKY: **stop bugging me! bubble placement is very important! i have to concentrate! she could swim back at any moment!**
CAPTAIN JACK: **give it up, guys. he's thicker than hades is, and he doesn't even have the excuse that he's been boiled.**
PATCHWORK: **well, he is even whiter than hades...** *snicker*
TROWA (muttering): Looks like fish have blond jokes too.
CAM: **trowaaaaaaaa~! he's taunting me! just open the lid for one minute!**
TROWA: I told you, no!
CAM: **where's duo? i bet he'll open it for me.**
TROWA: I doubt it -- that's his fish you want to eat, you know.
CAM: **but he's taunting me!**
TROWA: And he's probably going to keep on doing it as long as you stay there.
DEATHSCYTHE: **nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah nyah! don't i look tasty? mm-mm! awk! heavyarms! no pushing!**
HEAVYARMS: **give it a rest already, deathscythe. some of us don't make a hobby of taunting piscivores.**
[Cam gives Trowa a filthy look as he snickers, and jumps down to the floor, beginning to stalk off. However...]
SANDROCK: **pssst! hey! you! yeah, you, the midget cat!**
CAM: **i beg your pardon?!**
SANDROCK: **i'm talking to you, short stuff! i wanna make a deal!**
CAM: **do you normally open negotiations by insulting the other party?**
SANDROCK (totally oblivious): **what? i didn't say anything untrue, did i?**
CAM: **you're just begging to be the entrée on my special menu.**
SANDROCK: **i'm trying to do you a favour here! you help me get what i want, i help you get what you want, everybody's happy, right? you want the black goggle-eyed git, and i want another go at him and his friends.**
CAM: **and just how are we supposed to help each other to get this?**
SANDROCK: **easy! you get the lid of this tank open -- shouldn't be hard, it's just a light plastic one -- then i'll jump out. you pick me up in your mouth, jump up there to on top of the git's tank, and use me as a handle to open their lid.**
[Epyon and Tallgeese are lying in the back corner of the tank, sniggering helplessly as they listen to this grandiose plan. Trowa can understand why.]
CAM: **use you as a what?**
SANDROCK: **geez! me sucking catfish, savvy? i sucker onto the lid, you lift me up, it opens, i jump in, and then i chase all the other fish in there up to where you can get them. tadah! happy ending for us!**
CAM: **give me one good reason why i shouldn't just open this tank, if it's so easy, and eat you.**
SANDROCK: **'cause you want to get that goggle-eyed moron more than you wanna eat me.**
CAM: **i don't know about that... he's never personally insulted me.**
SANDROCK: **huh? when did i insult you?**
CAM: **on second thoughts, i don't think i'll eat you. stupidity on your level might be catching. you are what you eat, after all!**
[She stands up and stalks off, leaving a bewildered catfish staring after her.]
SANDROCK: **hey! get back here! what do you mean, stupidity--?**
EPYON: **she means you're an idiot, idiot.**
TALLGEESE: **why can't you just relax and accept the benefits of life here? we've got a good tank, nice rocks and plants, peace and quiet--**
SANDROCK: **total boredom! i wanna chase somebody!**
EPYON: **fine. if you want some action, try chasing us.**
SANDROCK: **no way! i'm not stupid!**
TALLGEESE: **really? the way you act, you sure seem stupid.**
SANDROCK: **fine then, i'm not a masochist.**
EPYON: **and yet you were perfectly willing to put yourself in the mouth of a cat who happens to have long, sharp fangs, and let her use you as a doorknob? you're not just a masochist, you're a dumb masochist!**
SANDROCK: **oi! take that back!**
TALLGEESE: **make us!**
[A furious three-way fight starts up in the prison tank, and Trowa sighs and leaves.]
CHRISTY: Hi, honeys, we're ho~ome!
MEL: Didja miss us?
CHRISTY: Ha! One more day of saying that without it being a total non-sequitur! Score!
TROWA: Welcome back.
MEL: Hey, Tro! Did you have a good day?
TROWA: It was educational.
CHRISTY: How are the fish?
TROWA: ...Interesting. You might want to put a better lid on the prison tank, though.
MEL: Why? Are they rattling it when they jump again?
TROWA: No; just in case Cam decides that stupidity isn't a transmissible disease. Oh, and whatever you do, make sure the heater is in good shape when you breed Binky. If he overheats, he's not going to have enough brain cells left to work his gills.
[Trowa walks off, leaving Mel and Christy staring at each other.]
CHRISTY: ...We have got to find out what's going on with the guys and our fish.
MEL: Agreed. I vote we put surveillance cameras in the bedrooms.
CHRISTY: There aren't any fish in the bedrooms!
MEL: So? It's still a good idea.
On to Fish Tales 6 - Sesshoumaru
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