FISH TALES 6 -- MISCELLANEOUS FISH
Authors: Mel & Christy
Pairings: Not really applicable, unless you want the fish info :)
Disclaimer: Don't own GW or the guys... But the fish, cats and dog are all ours!
[Once again, our story opens in the exotic location of the Onnas' Fish Room, where weird shit happens and some of the fish look just plain funky. Face it, Mel and Christy may keep plenty of ordinary, normal fish, but since their first reaction to finding anything really odd in the pet shop tanks is 'Ooh! How much is it?', there are some peculiar things swimming around in there, man. Not to mention a peculiar thing sitting on the sofa, white fluffy tail curling over his shoulder and filling his lap.]
We will now pause this minific to allow all the Sesshoumaru fangirls out there (including the authors) to get the mad 'SQUEEEE~!'-ing over and done with. Normal typing will resume as soon as possible. Thank you for your patience.
We now return you to your regular scheduled insanity.
SESSHOUMARU: I hate it when people talk about me behind my back.
[Mel pokes her head into the room.]
MEL: What was that?
SESSHOUMARU: Nothing I have any intention of sharing with you.
MEL: Awww, don't be nasty, Fluffy-sama!
[She comes into the room as she speaks, revealing that she's wearing blue hakama and white gi, plus tabi socks, woven sandals and a blue ribbon in her hair.]
SESSHOUMARU: Call me that again and I'll melt your DVD rack. ...Why are you dressed like that?
MEL: You can't melt the DVDs, we warded them. Nyah. And I'm going to an anime convention, cosplaying as Kaoru from Rurouni Kenshin. I don't really like her, but I had all the stuff for the costume, so I figured what the heck.
SESSHOUMARU: Isn't she the one who's forever screaming 'Kenshiiiiiiin!' in tones that would melt glass?
MEL: *sigh* Yes, but she's nowhere near as bad as Relena, so we don't want to kill her.
SESSHOUMARU: No death wish?
MEL: Nope. Well, not much of one. So, how do I look?
[Sesshoumaru eyes her.]
SESSHOUMARU: The glasses don't exactly match the costume.
MEL: Either I wear glasses, or I walk into everything. I choose to be slightly out of character and bruise-free, thanks.
[Christy pokes her head into the room.]
CHRISTY: If we don't go now, you'll miss registration and I'll be late for work!
MEL: Awk! It's that late already?! Bye Fluffy-sama see you later I'll bring you back an Inuyasha plushie to shred or something!
[The Onnas exit at high speed, the door slams behind them, and silence falls. There's a slight pause as Sesshoumaru listens intently, making sure nobody else is around, and then he lifts his tail out of his lap.]
SESSHOUMARU: Get off. Now.
ZAC: **but onii-san--**
SESSHOUMARU: I'm not your brother. Now get off, and take that damn teddy bear with you!
[The little white dog in Sesshoumaru's lap looks up at him with huge eyes.]
ZAC: **but onii-san, i just want to keep you company! And your lap is comfier than the floor.**
SESSHOUMARU: Just because we're both fluffy and white is no reason for you to keep calling me 'onii-san'! Besides, you're a British breed of dog and you live in Australia. Why are you using Japanese?
ZAC: **i... *mumble mumble* mel's dictionary.**
SESSHOUMARU: You what?
ZAC: **i kinda ate auntie mel's kanji dictionary. see, she doesn't really like dogs, but she said i could live here with mommy christy, so i wanted her to like me, and i thought if i could bark at her in japanese maybe that would work, because she likes japanese. so i found her kanji dictionary and ate it.**
SESSHOUMARU: I bet that made you popular.
ZAC: **actually, she laughed, but mommy christy bought her a new dictionary anyway. it was an awfully big one. i had indigestion for hours.**
SESSHOUMARU: Not exactly the standard approach to the problem of how to get someone to like you, but innovative.
RASHID: **hey, hold up the dictionary so we can learn japanese too! maybe then we'll be able to get the humans to understand us!**
DEATHSCYTHE: **what's japanese, anyway? oi, zero ol' buddy, what does scuttlebutt say about japanese?**
WING ZERO: **you don't get scuttlebutt about languages, deathscythe. you get scuttlebutt about things like pike having huge teeth.**
DEATHSCYTHE: **oh. so it's a language then?**
[Sesshoumaru is watching the fish talk with one elegant eyebrow raised, and Gomez notices.]
GOMEZ: **it looks like we don't need japanese to get him to understand us.**
DEATHSCYTHE: **really?! cool! hey, dude, how'sabout a few fish treats? oh, and just a thought, but maybe you should get mel and christy to put the green medicine stuff on all that fungus you've got. not to be insulting, but i'm surprised you can swim with all that fluff on you...**
SESSHOUMARU: I do not have fungus. I have fur.
ZAC: **yeah! he's a dog, like me!**
DEATHSCYTHE: **really? he doesn't look like a dog, he looks human!**
RASHID: **no, look, his little head-fins are pointy. he's an elf.**
JESSICA: **elves don't have fur!**
WING ZERO: **maybe he's a newt.**
HEAVYARMS: **newts don't have fur either! you're obsessed with newts! look, he's got marks on his face -- maybe he's a vampire?**
SANDROCK: **another one?! where?! hey! you! bite meeeee~!**
SESSHOUMARU: I am not a human, an elf, or a vampire, and I am definitely not a newt. I am a youkai.
[In the other goldfish tank, a fat grey eel-like fish swims out from inside the castle ornament.]
SHARNA: **youkai? where?!**
DEATHSCYTHE: **what's a youkai?**
RASHID: **aren't they the sort of human things with long pointy ears and claws and stuff in that anime mel and christy watch? i thought their ears were bigger...**
SHARNA: **that's saiyuki. different sort of youkai. i mean, do i look like a human with pointy ears to you?**
WING ZERO: **'i'? what do you mean, 'i'? you're a fish. a tandanus catfish. a really ugly tandanus catfi--mmrph!**
[Wing Zero is currently proving that even a tough ex-fry-delinquent fish has a hard time talking with two bristlenose catfish tackling his gills.]
NATAKU: **saying that catfish are ugly just spreads negative stereotypes.**
SHENLONG: **exactly. ugliness is in the eye of the beholder.**
SHARNA: **actually, i'm a fish youkai, not an ordinary catfish, and proud of it!**
NATAKU: **okay, he's ugly.**
SHENLONG: **go ahead and insult him all you want.**
NATAKU: **slimy grey skin. long pale whiskers. not a decent bristle in sight.**
[The two bristlenose catfish that live in the same tank as Sharna pipe up.]
KRASHNARK: **yeah! and he's got a really ugly personality too!**
TORFRAMOS: **he's a bully! he rams us out of the way to get at worms, and he runs right over us when he's searching the bottom for food, and every so often he _bites_ us!**
SHARNA: *evil chuckle* **just checking to see if you've gotten tasty enough to eat.**
KRASHNARK: **see?! see?!**
TORFRAMOS: **and the other two tandanus catfish mel and christy got to be friends for him were real catfish, and he killed them!**
SHARNA: **oh? and what evidence do you have for this?**
KRASHNARK: **just because nobody saw you doesn't mean we don't know you did it. you probably used icky youkai powers or something!**
SHARNA: **then you should probably keep your mouth shut and not encourage me to use them on you, hmmmm?**
[Torframos and Krashnark zip over to the back of the tank and hide under their piece of bogwood.]
KRASHNARK: **y-y-y-y-you don't scare us!**
SHARNA: *snicker* **of course not. anyway... to return to the original subject, you're a youkai, are you? just bear in mind, this is my territory, fluffy boy! we'll get along just fine so long as you don't mess in my business. understood?**
[Sesshoumaru blinks, slowly, and then looks down at Zac.]
SESSHOUMARU: Move, pup.
ZAC: **whee! go, onii-san!**
[Zac scrambles off Sesshoumaru's lap, taking his teddy bear with him. Sesshoumaru stands up, brushing a little fur off his kimono, and takes one long stride to stand in front of Sharna's tank. Then he slowly bends down to stare straight through the front glass at the fish-youkai... and growls.]
[Streamers of youki start radiating off Sesshoumaru, and the marks on his face begin to spread, getting ragged at the edges. His fangs lengthen. His eyes glow. He looks just plain nasty. The temperature in the tank is going up, all of the fish are hiding at the back, Sharna is flattening himself on the gravel, and there are faint cheers coming from under the piece of bogwood.]
SHARNA: **ummmm... there might have been a slight misunderstanding...**
DEATHSCYTHE: **woo-hoo! he glows! that's even cooler than spike going bumpy!**
NEON TETRAS: **oooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!**
SESSHOUMARU: Do you know what 'zako' means, fish?
ZAC: **ooh! ooh! i do! i do!**
SHARNA: **umm... no?**
SESSHOUMARU: It means 'small fry'. And I like the way it's written. Do you know how it's written, fish?
ZAC: **ooh! ooh! i do! i do! i know!**
SHARNA: **err... still no.**
SESSHOUMARU: It's written with the characters for 'miscellaneous fish'. Are you getting my point, zako-youkai?
SHARNA: **ahh... yessir!**
SESSHOUMARU: Excellent. Just bear in mind, this is my territory, zako-youkai. We'll get along just fine so long as you don't mess in my business. Understood?
SHARNA: **yessir! understood, sir!**
[Under their piece of bogwood, Krashnark and Torframos are snickering happily. Sesshoumaru straightens up, aims one final snarl at Sharna, and goes back to his comfortable seat on the couch.]
SESSHOUMARU: ...That was surprisingly fun.
ZAC: **onii-san, kakkoii!**
SESSHOUMARU: Do not get back in my lap.
ZAC: **aww, but onii-san--**
[Before Zac can finish his protest, a white cat strolls out from under the couch and casually leaps up into Sesshoumaru's lap, settling down into his tail fur. She doesn't seem to care that he's still all fangy and scary-looking.]
LILITH: **mmm. nice and comfy. don't move.**
SESSHOUMARU: ...What do you think you're doing?
ZAC: **hey! lilith! get off my onii-san!**
LILITH: **mmm... nope. don't think so.**
[Sesshoumaru starts to pick her up, only to stop in surprise as she looks up at him with glowing yellow eyes, white youki beginning to curl out of her fur.]
LILITH: **my name's lilith. know what it means?**
LILITH: **'mother of demons'. i rank you, puppy. deal.**
[Before Sesshoumaru can quite take this in, another cat -- Cam, the tiny brown one -- jumps up onto the back of the sofa.]
CAM: **not to mention that i raised her, and i can still kick her tail. sit still.**
LILITH: **yeah, do as she says. it only gets worse if you wriggle.**
SESSHOUMARU: What are you-- AGPTH!
[Cam has her front paws halfway around his head in a surprisingly effective lock, and is combat-washing his face.]
CAM: **your mother should have taught you better. your face is filthy! all these red marks!**
SESSHOUMARU: Those are-- ack! --my stripes, damn you! They don't come off!
CAM: **want to bet? now hold still, or i'll bury you in the litter box!**
LILITH: **ooh, that's no empty threat. i still have nightmares about that!**
[Zac picks up his teddybear and starts slinking away, tail between his legs.]
SESSHOUMARU (desperately): Damn it, pup, do something! Aren't you going to help me?!
ZAC: **gomen nasai, onii-san. been there, done that, lost the catfight! frankenbaby and i will just go... um... take a nap or something.**
SESSHOUMARU: Traitor! Argh! Cut it out, cat! You're just begging to be shredded!
CAM: **ha! not only am i the ranking supernatural being in this house, mel and christy think we cats are all innocent and helpless, so they've warded us. you can't do jack. now stop squirming! i'm trying to wash behind your ear!**
DEATHSCYTHE: **man. looks like it sucks to be a youkai-thing. glad i'm just a fish! i mean, think about it; fish don't need to wash! hence, no combat-washing! especially not by cats with big claws and fangs!**
WING ZERO: **no, they just try to eat us. personally, i think i prefer that.**
CHRISTY (flatly): Hi, honeys, we're home.
MEL: Didja miss us?
CHRISTY: I doubt they missed us. They never do, even when we're out working our butts off to feed and house them, ungrateful bastards...
MEL: Tough day?
CHRISTY: Understatement of the year. Oh well. Time to crash on the couch and torture some bishies-- err, write.
SESSHOUMARU: About time you two got back!
MEL: Ye gods, don't tell me you did miss us?!
SESSHOUMARU: No! But when you're around, those feline freaks act innocent!
CHRISTY: They are innocent, Sesshoumaru, they're cats. Um... why do you have big wet patches all over your fur?
SESSHOUMARU: The sneaky little one is a hygiene fanatic.
MEL: I coulda told you that.
CHRISTY: Whatever. I'm going to check the fish tanks, make sure everyone is still swimming... hmm hmm hmm... hm. Um. Sesshoumaru? Would you have any idea why Sharna is hiding inside the castle with only his whiskers sticking out, and all the other fish in his tank are acting smug?
MEL: Huh? Are you sure they're smug? Fish aren't very emotive.
CHRISTY: Yes, Mel, I'm sure. The goldfish and white clouds are all swimming tauntingly close to his castle, and the bristlenose catfish are doing something suspiciously like the Macarena on the front glass.
SESSHOUMARU: Sharna found out he's a small fish in a very small pond. The only good point in my day. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go have a shower.
MEL: Aw, geez! We're going to have to clean fur out of the drain again!
SESSHOUMARU: Blame your cats. I refuse to live with cat spit all over my tail.
[He leaves, Zac trotting at his heels. Mel and Christy look at each other.]
MEL: First the guys act weird about the fish, and now they act weird about the cats. This is getting downright peculiar, and in this house that's saying something.
CHRISTY: More cameras?
MEL: Yeah, I guess so. There's at least two bedrooms we don't have full coverage of yet!
Fish Tales Part 7a
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