By Ashkara and Christy
Chang Wufei snorted in disbelief as he opened the email from Quatre Winner. He might have expected such a… a thing, coming from Maxwell, but from Winner? “Damned American bratling has been a bad influence on us all.”
He had, of course, been aware of the other emails running back and forth. Both Treize and Maxwell had been copying him on them, after all. And it had been nice to see Treize relaxing enough to answer such a message. Wufei still hadn’t told Duo that the ‘testing Zechs’ loyalties’ thing had been most enjoyable. He doubted he ever would, but that didn’t change the fact that it never would have happened, had the American not sent that blasted email.
“What the hell, not like it could kill me,” he grumbled, and hit REPLY.
----- message begins -----
TO: “Quatre R. Winner” [DesertStormCommander@manguanacs.org]
FROM: “Chang Wufei” [FireBreather@dragonpower.org]
SENT: 14 March AC196, 2336:14
MESSAGE: RE: I Hope You Won’t be Offended, But Have Fun
[Chang Wufei wrote] Winner,
The only reason I will not flay you alive for sending me such a mindless piece of drivel is that I am almost certain Maxwell put you up to it, knowing his braid would be in jeopardy otherwise. All the same, honour demands that I reply, and as much as it is demeaning, it will be enjoyable.
Let me set the record straight, though. I am NOT marrying Treize or giving up on the war. I am DEDICATED to honouring Nataku’s memory. I am male. I will still be your friend when this is over.
I am hunting Maxwell down, and the scissors are ready.
----- view attachment -----
Things I Will do When I Become an Evil Empress
1. Beauty is fleeting, power is vulnerable. I will not risk the latter for the former.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Such vain narcissism is unworthy of a member of the Dragon Clan… but Zechs keeps emailing me to tell me how nice my ass is. There is nothing unmanly in appreciating that.
2. I will use my magic mirror for spying on my enemies rather than for vain attempts at preserving my position as fairest in the land.
[Change Wufei wrote] I don’t use mirrors. Treize does, though. I will pass along the suggestion.
3. I will not fret over the comparative beauty of the Hero's True Love or any Beautiful Yet Innocent kinfolk. They may be attractive enough for peasant wenches/quivering maidens; but I am The Evil Empress, and there is no comparison.
[Chang Wufei wrote] We are all men of honour. As long as the men I love want me more than they want Maxwell, I see no need for such useless competition.
4. I will not bed the Hunky Hero before my plan is executed, unless having him believe I am carrying his child gives me a decisive advantage.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Please don’t make me laugh. Me and Heero? I don’t have a death wish.
5. While seduction has its place in my vast arsenal, I realize that "evil" and "skanky" are not mutually inclusive. Royal Dressmakers unable to realize this fact will be flayed alive in the presence of their replacements.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Did Maxwell tell you that I kicked his ass for making me wear those leather pants of his on a mission?
6. I will wear flats, or better yet, running shoes when executing crucial plans.
[Chang Wufei wrote] If you mean to imply that the last surviving member of the Dragon Clan would demean himself by wearing girly shoes under any circumstances, we must talk. I will bring my katana.
7. My slinky sorceress' robe will have a chain mail foundation garment, at minimum.
[Chang Wufei wrote] I amend my above statement to include girly items of apparel in any way, shape or form.
8. I will not be put off by the Hero's rebuffs of my sexual advances. If he doesn't succumb to me, I will not fly into a jealous rage. Instead, I'll shrug my shoulders, send him on his way, and have him picked off as he exits the fortress.
[Chang Wufei wrote] See my answer to #4.
9. Where winks, suggestive remarks, and body language won't get me what I want, a well aimed semi-automatic will.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Flirting is below a true warrior, no matter how often it works for Maxwell.
10. Sex is certainly a weapon at my disposal, but then so is a blaster. If it is not clear which weapon I should be using, I will opt for the blaster.
[Chang Wufei wrote] To use sex as a weapon would be an injustice to the two sexy, god-like men who have gotten me addicted to it. You should be ashamed of yourself for suggesting it.
11. I, and my elite guards, will never assume that we have managed to confiscate all weapons or escape aids from the captured Hero. "Interrogations" in my private chambers will only be conducted if the Hero is completely nude. This will, in fact, satisfy a number of objectives at once.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Again, see my answer to #4. Maxwell would kill me, if Yuy didn’t kill me first.
12. I will promote chivalry and urge my minions to exhibit proper behaviour at all times when it is not counterproductive to my schemes. This increases the chance of running up against only chivalric Heroes, as well as increasing the surprise factor when I ditch the pretences and get really vicious.
[Chang Wufei wrote] I don’t fight bleeding hearts and women!
13. I will not seize power for my beloved son or husband or other close individual, especially since they may not, in the end, be grateful that I was so ruthless and treacherous on their behalf. I will seize power for myself and grant my loved ones small fiefdoms they can call their own, if they want.
[Chang Wufei wrote] In my opinion, Treize has too much power now. I certainly will not give him more.
14. If the Hero is an old lover of mine (and they almost invariably are), I will remember just why he is a former lover, and keep it in mind as I destroy him.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Heaven’s forbid! Heero has never been my lover. And destroying him is not an option. It is just plain wrong to destroy your friends.
15. If I know the Hero is an old lover of mine and he is not aware of this fact, I will keep it to myself. I will be more able to exploit his weaknesses and my other intimate knowledge about him if I do not allow my identity to be revealed.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Does Yuy have any weaknesses? Aside from Maxwell, that is, and Shinigami is not weak, by any stretch of the imagination.
16. If the Hero says he is willing to betray his cause and accept my offer of ruling the world at my side, he will only be believed once that betrayal results in his cause's total destruction, at which point his demonstration of total lack of principle should lead to his immediate execution.
[Chang Wufei wrote] I should hope someone would shoot me were I ever to exhibit such an alarming lack of dedication! I may love Treize as a man, but I will die before I let him and his contingent continue as the dictators they are.
17. I will not punish or kill lovers who fail to satisfy me. Such a policy would cause performance anxiety in future lovers, defeating the purpose. I will instead reward exceptional effort, and lavishly reward exceptional proficiency.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Though my sex life is none of your business, I will have you know that BOTH my lovers satisfy me in EVERY way. I should hope Barton does the same for you.
18. My poison-fanged or -clawed beast minions will not be spiders, snakes and ravens, but kittens, goldfish, and canaries.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Two words – Dragon Fang.
19. I will wear breakaway clothing whenever risking capture. It will facilitate escape if I am grabbed, and it will distract the captor (but not me) for those crucial seconds it will take me to either escape or steal his own weapon.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Pass this note on to Maxwell. He would no doubt be amused at the idea.
20. I will wear form-fitting clothes rather than flowing gowns: they're just as, if not more, flattering and are less likely to snag on something or catch fire at the moment of triumph or escape.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Form-fitting, definitely. And since I am not a cross dresser, gowns don’t come into it.
21. If I require my Hag or Crone to poison someone, I will require the poison be quick and deadly rather than a mere sleep aid.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Poison is beneath the heir of the Dragon Clan.
22. My Amazon Hordes will either be dyed-in-the-wool lesbians or have a nice pool of suitable comely men of their liking at home.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Winner, remind me to cut off Maxwell’s braid. This just gave me the image of Lady Une as an Amazon. This is ultimately Maxwell’s fault.
23. My Amazon Hordes will wear full body armour, rather than three small triangles of chain mail, which are reserved for dress occasions.
[Chang Wufei wrote] This is war, Winner, not an episode of Xena.
24. The infantry of my Amazon Hordes will use advanced tactics such as the Phalanx and will employ sophisticated weapons such as the 10' pike when closing with the enemy, but only after the longbow-women have emptied their quivers from 200 yards away.
[Change Wufei wrote]You’ve either had us all fooled and are actually bisexual, or there is a marathon of Xena on that feminist drivel channel. The fewer women on the battlefield, the better. Besides, arrows and pikes would be useless against a Leo.
25. I will re-evaluate any job that requires manipulating a man in my thrall. Chances are one of my Amazons could do the job with less risk.
[Chang Wufei wrote] No scantily-dressed tarts are getting anywhere near my men, thank you very much!
26. Male Sidekicks are almost always corruptible with a wink and a nod or charmable by a simple spell or potion, at least until the crucial encounter with the Hero, at which time they should be safely entombed somewhere far from the action.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Since I assume we are talking about Maxwell, neither wink, nod, spell, charm, potion, or entombment would work. Besides, it would be dishonourable to sabotage a comrade in arms. And he wouldn’t go for me, anyway.
27. The effort of turning female or gay sidekicks generally makes killing them the least bothersome tactic.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Gay would actually work in my favour, I think.
28. If I married into the title of Evil Empress, I will let my Overlord take the flak for the Empire's evil actions and ingratiate myself to the people with my kindness.
[Chang Wufei wrote] You seem to forget how damned charming Treize is. I could be as kind as you, and the people would still probably hate me and love him. Go figure. I’ll stick to being a pilot and leave marriage and other such frightening notions to people better suited to them.
29. If I married into the title of Evil Empress under duress then my very first order of business must be the disposal of the Evil Overlord, since he must already know he can't possibly trust me as far as he can throw me.
[Chang Wufei wrote] He already knows that our ‘trust’ only exists within his bedroom, so this is no worry.
30. If I married into the title of Evil Empress under duress then using the Hero to free me of the Overlord does not obligate me to abdicate my throne.
[Chang Wufei wrote] The only person with any chance of ‘using’ Heero Yuy is Maxwell, and he does that on a daily and nightly basis. However, both seem happy with that situation.
31. If I am competing with other Overlords, Empresses and High Priests for ultimate domination, I will assume they have access to this and other lists and the brains to listen to them.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Were I competing with said personages I would employ my katana. If that seemed as if it would fail, I would bring in Nataku.
32. I will not try to turn a son (even mine) against his father, no matter how estranged to two are. Blood relatives can be annoyingly sentimental.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Patricide is the most despicable of crimes. I would run myself through before I would encourage it.
33. I will neither repress my Beautiful but Wicked Daughter nor smother my Handsome but Evil Son. It's hard enough raising a ruling family these days without extra dysfunctional baggage. No one wants disgruntled offspring suddenly "seeing the light" and turning Good simply because mother dearest gave them an unhappy childhood.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Nataku and I had no children, and it is highly unlikely that Treize or Zechs should become pregnant. Unless there is something you are not telling me. Remind me to ask you about it, Winner.
34. Unless immortality comes with Absolute Power, I'd better be grooming my Evil Offspring to take the reigns someday. It's better to carefully feed their growing lust for power by gradually increasing Imperial responsibilities than having them plot my untimely demise.
[Chang Wufei wrote] See my previous answer.
35. If I am unfortunate enough to have a Beautiful but Innocent Daughter, as opposed to a Beautiful but Wicked Daughter, I will unconditionally love and nurture her nonetheless, and be as supportive as possible of any budding romantic relationship with potential young Heroes. This will a) delay Heroic action while I study his strengths and weaknesses, b) cause emotional conflicts within the Hero that will encourage fatal hesitations or mistakes, c) provide another chance for my daughter to see things my way before I'm forced to eliminate her.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Were I to have a daughter (see answer to #33,) she would have to fight Maxwell off first, and I would put my bets on him, any day. Clown though he tries to be, he is also a warrior worthy of respect.
Tell him I said that under penalty of death. I mean it.
36. I will not mistreat, abuse, or plot elaborately to kill my Beautiful Yet Innocent Stepdaughter (she's destined for something, count on it). Instead I will treat her with all the kindness and love possible while slowly reshaping her in my image.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Treize did mention in passing to Maxwell that he had a daughter. I could never treat his child poorly.
37. However insatiable my appetites are, it is virtually guaranteed that at least one of my millions of subjects is both far more gifted at satisfying them and far more loyal to me than the Hero who seeks my destruction, no matter his reputation with the ladies.
[Chang Wufei wrote] I will not demean myself in discussing Heero Yuy’s sexual prowess. Talk to Maxwell if you really need to hear all that. I’m sure he’d be more than happy to let you know.
38. My personal servants will be professional bodyguards and assassins, but will dress and behave as eunuchs and maidservants. Even if I dismiss my regular guards for a "private audience" with the Hero, these personal servants (just so much furniture after all, right?) will remain in my chambers.
[Chang Wufei wrote] I have no need for bodyguards of any sort. I have Treize and Zechs. They ‘guard’ my body most adequately, thank you.
39. Any one bodyguard who cannot maintain concentration and discipline in my boudoir will be eliminated immediately by the others.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Both of my ‘bodyguards’ have extremely high levels of concentration and discipline, even in the ‘boudoir,’ as you put it. Ancestors, I’m a lucky man!
40. I will learn the various arts of self defence and not rely solely on muscular minions to protect me.
[Chang Wufei wrote] I rely on no-one for my defence! And no, I am not implying that I would not rely on you, my comrades, if need dictated it, just that I need no help in defending myself!
41. The appearance of weakness can be as useful as the appearance of strength. I will exploit the double standard for all its worth.
[Chang Wufei wrote] I abhor pretence over any other weakness, Winner. To pretend to be less of a man than I am would be unworthy of me and would shame my ancestors. I think it better to have an enemy scared of what he *thinks* I can do than overconfident because of some misplaced idea of my inadequacy.
42. If I must enlist the powers of the nether-worlds I will first bone up on contract law. My own soul, mind, and/or (especially) body will never be negotiable.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Of course. With my occasionally cursed luck, Maxwell would end up being the recipient of said contract.
43. If I get the bright idea to seduce a powerful yet malevolent being into becoming an ally, the actual seduction can be handled by my body double. Exotic anatomies are not to become a factor.
[Chang Wufei wrote] With Yuy and Maxwell as allies, who needs a malevolent being? Or you and Barton, for that matter.
44. My Radiant Amulet of Power will not be worn around my neck on a thin gold chain, or on a ring that is two sizes too big for my finger. If a line of sight is required, then a good strong locking watchband will do. If the amulet need not be exposed, being Empress I have a variety of far more secure hiding places at my immediate disposal - and to hell with the glow.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Does the dragon tattooed on my back count?
45. Men already enthralled by my Feminine Wiles will just as easily take my orders when radioed from my fortress as in person on the front lines.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Winner! I would never use wiles of any kind! It would be unjust!
46. I will keep my hair short and my fingernails trimmed. Short hair provides no convenient handle for the Hero, Sidekick or Backstabbing Evil Ally. Trimmed fingernails enable me to press The Button myself, rather than rely on minions with blunt nails or try to find a stick.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Knowing how Yuy takes advantage of Maxwell’s braid, I will keep this in mind.
47. I will locate any phobias or nervous habits I may posses and take therapy until I can overcome them; that way, I can't be chased from the scene of my Ultimate Triumph because someone dropped a snake from the air vent.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Sorry to disappoint. So far, I have not noticed any phobias or nervous habits. Cleaning and sharpening my katana does not count!
48. If the seeds of discontent look ready to bloom into open rebellion, I will hire a top PR firm to create the public image that I am 1) only a figurehead and that all power really resides in the Prime Minister; 2) misunderstood; or 3) only a woman who's getting bad advice from her Council. Choices 1) and 3) give me the option to keep my head if my side is defeated by the Hero -- and leave the possibility of a sequel.
[Chang Wufei wrote] In a just world, there would be no seeds of discontent, and that’s what my world would be. Thus you can see why I will never be a world leader. Yet in the extremely unlikely event that I should be a world leader and people would be unhappy, I would not deflect the blame. It would be cowardly.
49. The internet is my friend. I can inspire loyalty with www.EvilEmpress'.budoir.live.com (be it with a body double or not as the mood strikes me) and obedience with www.EvilEmpres'.pit-of-dispair.live.com.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Neither Zechs nor I are exhibitionists. Enough said. Treize is another story, altogether, though. Oh dear.
50. If there is any conceivable thing the sight of which can melt me into mawkish sentimentality, I will wear sunglasses designed to make it look like a Chia Pet.
[Chang Wufei wrote] If you are successful in finding anything that can produce such a reaction in me (apart from the picture taken of Treize, Zechs and myself in Morocco), I’ll trade in my katana for a garden hose.
51. If the Hero has an evil twin, the twin will probably make a far more suitable Love-Happy Stooge. Keeping this in mind, I will beware advisors who might have a Non-Evil twin.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Even if there were a second Heero Yuy, there would also be a second Maxwell turning him into ‘his’ Love-Happy Stooge.
52. Magic Girls, no matter how frilly their dresses, high their screams, or incompetent their sidekicks, will be treated as the credible and dire threats they are, and I will direct as many, if not more resources to their destruction as I would for a more classical Hero.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Women of any kind are to be more feared than men. Two words: Lady Une.
53. If I take an Orphan as my own to corrupt I will be sure that no genetic relative exists to turn him or her against me.
[Chang Wufei wrote] Hmmm… Maxwell or Barton would fit this bill, wouldn’t they?
54. Investigate the lineage of all prospective allies. Allies lacking any trace of grandparents, or whose genetic roots intersect with yours, or whose genetic roots intersect any known or suspected dieties should be kept at arm's length (but within blaster range).
[Chang Wufei wrote] According to Maxwell, he is the God of Death, Yuy is the God of Hacking, you are an Angel, and Barton is the ‘Angel’s Boy-Toy’. Does this mean you all should be held at arm’s length, or shot?
55. Allies need never see my command centre or boudoir. Almost any business can be taken care of in a rented conference room.
[Chang Wufei wrote] I don’t allow you guys in my room, anyway. God only knows what nonsense Maxwell might leave behind for me to find.
Wufei chuckled as he sent off his reply. It had been amusing, as stupid and childish as it was, and he supposed Maxwell’s braid should be spared, given that. Yet to have made him suffer through it…
He quickly pulled up his web browser and performed a search. He laughed out loud as Jeeves presented him with a list of files to read through – one in particular caught his eye. His lips curled into a smug smile. “I think this falls into the category of sharing the misery… or the amusement. Tag, Zechs. You’re it.”
Switching back to his email program, he began typing with a devilish glint in his eye.
The Evil Henchman's Guide
Gundam Wing II
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