I can't believe I've finally found
The key, the door, the trip
It
was all in my mind
Now I'm one with the fools of love
I can't believe
I've finally found
The prisoner, the free man
We're all in my mind
Now I'm one with the fools of love
These fools of love are misunderstood
The history is with me here
now
I couldn't understand it then.
I had been taught that the mission and our ultimate goal were the most important things. Personal wants and needs were unimportant. Friendship, relationships, love... they were unnecessary emotions. They would distract me from the mission, lower my effectiveness. It was remarkably easy to believe that at first. People avoided me as much as they could, and I was happy for it. I didn't want-- or need-- friends.
When he rescued me from the Alliance hospital, and gave me back Wing, another pilot named Duo offered his friendship. I pushed him away. I called him names, ignored him, was rude-- and to top it off, I stole parts from his Deathscythe. He should have hated me. Instead, he kept offering his friendship. I couldn't understand it. He unnerved me, with his lopsided grin and his stubborn refusal to leave me in peace. I couldn't help wondering why he wanted me as a friend; I had done everything I could think of to get rid of him. What was worse, as much as I ridiculed and belittled him for the attachments he formed with what seemed like everyone around him, I knew I was slowly forming an attachment to him, myself.
When Trowa and Quatre got together, I thought it was a mistake. It would distract them both from our objective. Each partner could be used against the other. It was a weakness we couldn't afford. It would never work. They were fools if they thought it would, or so I kept telling myself.
Trowa knew that, even if Quatre didn't. Trowa was a soldier, he knew the consequences. So I asked him. His answer shook my training. "I love him. He gives me a reason to keep fighting. He gives me a reason to live." He had no idea how much those simple words struck true to me, even if I couldn't admit to it yet.
I watched them. Their relationship did nothing to hinder the mission. If anything, it seemed to strengthen their resolve. When something went wrong, they had each other to talk to, to help them get through it, to help them keep going. I found myself wanting just a little of what they had. Maybe not the love, not yet, but at least the friendship. And I knew who I wanted it from.
The next time Duo offered, I didn't push him away.
I can't believe my core was shaken
I gave up the ghost
Of
everything I was before
Now I'm one with the fools of love
The fools of love are misunderstood
The mystery is with me now
So call me a fool
Call me a fool
Call me a fool
Duo didn't question my change in attitude, he accepted it without reservation. I quickly learned that he was more than he seemed at first glance. His overly boisterous demeanor mellowed when we were alone and he showed me pieces of the *real* Duo Maxwell. He talked-- really talked, not the inane babble he gave everyone else-- and I listened. I talked, and he listened. He dragged me to dinner and movies when we were together between missions, and I was amazed by how refreshing it was to be with him and to have someone I could depend on. When the nightmares got to be too much for either of us, he'd climb into my bunk, content to be a human teddybear. Eventually, he even told me about his past. He humbled me with his unconditional trust and affection. No one had ever shared anything with me. I found myself wanting to share with him, and it made me feel special when he listened and just accepted both it and me.
He arranged for his friend Howard to take care of Wing, just like he did Deathscythe, with a careless 'Put it on my tab, Howie'. He made arrangements with his other contacts to give me whatever I needed-- weapons, ammo, demolition equipment. Everything he had, he offered freely, expecting nothing in return. I gave him the only thing I had to give... my trust, my friendship.
When he was captured and scheduled for execution on the moonbase, I followed... to kill him. I didn't want to, but any leak had to be blocked. I had orders, and I reminded myself that my purpose was to follow those orders without question. It felt so false, though, and I hesitated at the door to his cell, shocked with myself. What was the matter with me?
I opened his cell door and something inside me broke irreparably when I saw him. He was bloody and beaten, but still... Duo. My mouth went dry.
"I knew I was destined to be killed by you. Come on, aren't you going to shoot me?"
That question hurt. "Only if you want me to," I replied. "Can you walk?"
The soldier in me accepted this change in mission. Duo was a valuable ally. Escape was possible, the risk acceptable. No need to waste valuable resources.
The human in me almost rejoiced that I wasn't losing my friend... or was he more than a friend? When we were apart, I found myself missing the casual hand on my shoulder, the fingers to my ribs to get my attention, the sound of his voice as he murmured in his sleep, the quiet sound of his breathing breaking the night's silence, the smiles, like the one he gave me as we got free of the base, just before he passed out from the pain of his injuries...
Was this just friendship, or was it more? Would I have the time to find out?
Then the war was over.
I can't believe my dream is over
I woke up this morning with nothing
but light in my eyes
Now I'm one with the fools of love
I can't believe the key, the door, the clouds
That blocked the sun
They were all in my mind
Now I'm one with the fools of love
Duo admitted his love for me, and I admitted my confusion. I cared for him deeply-- I knew that much-- but did I love him? It wouldn't have been fair to either of us if I wasn't sure. He was too important to me to risk that.
I decided to wander around and see what it was I was feeling. See what this peace had to offer. I told him I wanted to try and see who I really was, not the soldier, but the person.
He just nodded and said, "I waited until the end of the war, I can wait a little longer."
So I travelled-- Earth to L1, L1 to L3 to Earth, all over. I studied people, couples, families. I watched Relena pull the fractured governments together. I saw Quatre and Trowa begin their life together. I saw Wufei disappear. I saw Lady Une, my former enemy, put together the Preventers. And I watched Duo. I watched him start a salvage business with that girl Hilde. I watched him visit with our friends. I watched him try to find me. He seemed content, but I could see the anticipation bubbling below the surface. He was waiting for me. It made me feel important and cherished as a person, not as a pilot, and it gave me the strength to truly break free of my training.
Slowly, I began to find myself. I realised what I wanted. I wanted the peace to last. I wanted Trowa and Quatre to be happy. I wanted a future. But I found that all of this was meaningless if I didn't have anyone to share it with... if I didn't have Duo to share it with. Throughout my travels and self-discovery, one thing was always missing. Duo. I'd find myself starting to ask him questions, or pointing out something he'd enjoy, but he wasn't there. At night, there was no sound of his breathing. There was no amusing chatter, no teasing pouts, no affectionate touches... no blue eyes sparkling with mischief. There was no warm, exhilarating feeling when he gave me that true smile of his. No Duo.
How could I fully find myself if part of me was missing? It only took a couple of months, but I realised that I loved him and I needed him. I would go and get him and never let go.
Then Mariemaia kidnapped Relena.
I went to him and asked for his help. He followed me without a second thought, as he always had. It made me smile. Between us-- Duo, Quatre, Trowa and I-- we defeated Dekim Barton, rescued Relena and brought Wufei back to us. My only thought before I passed out was of Duo... had I lost my chance...
He was sitting at my bedside when I woke up. He looked terrible-- still dirty from battle, his face was tear-streaked and he had dark circles under his eyes-- but he was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. He was murmuring my name in his sleep, and I lifted my hand to stroke his cheek. His eyes slowly opened and he smiled in relief.
"Heero... I almost lost you. I can't wait any more. I--" He was already at my side, gently taking hold of my hand.
"I love you, Duo."
And the fools of love are misunderstood
The history is with me here
now
So call me a fool
Call me a fool
Call me a fool
After my recovery from the injuries I sustained during Mariemaia's attempted coup, Duo and I settled on Earth. He sold his share of the scrapyard to Hilde, got his high school diploma equivalent and started college. I joined the Preventers, as did Wufei. Quatre continued running WEI, with Trowa's assistance. Life was good for us.
Not to say all was perfect. We had our fights. Duo, when over-tired and over-stressed, preparing for a major exam, is a handful... and argumentative. I was not the easiest person to live with, either. I was still antisocial and tended to bring home my work. But we got through the rough periods, each time coming out stronger than before.
It's been seven years since that day, and today was Duo's graduation day. We were all together for it. I was so proud of him, standing on the platform in his cap and gown, giving the valedectorian speech. Afterwards, Quatre held a huge party for him and Lady Une formally handed him his Preventers' I.D. and the key to his office. He had majored in criminal psychology and he is now Dr. Duo Maxwell, criminal psychologist for the Preventers.
Lying here in our bed, my Duo curled in my arms sound asleep, I can honestly say I've finally figured out what Trowa tried to tell me all those years ago. Friendship and love make us stronger. Yes, they make us more vulnerable as well, but all of the benefits greatly outweigh the risks. Duo would call me an idiot for taking this long to figure out what he could have told me in the beginning, if I had only asked. It was something I had to figure out for myself, though, and I'm still learning. I guess that's part of love... it's a continuous learning process--
"Heero, go to sleep. Your thinking keeps waking me up," his sleep-heavy voice breaks into my thoughts and I chuckle softly, running my hand down his back.
"I love you, Duo..."
So call me a fool
Call me a fool
Call me a fool
(The fools of love are misunderstood,
The mystery is with me here
now)
This Web Page Created with PageBreeze Free HTML Editor / Web Hosting